A Modest Proposal for a New Hero

A Modest Proposal for a New Type of Hero 

(minus the satire.)

If you are any sane normal human being, then you saw the Dark Knight this weekend. If you didn't see it, I'm going to assume you are not sane, and therefore also locked up in Arkham Asylum-

But in this hero climate, I feel like I'm beginning to predict how these things go. Stay with me here-

__________ becomes an orphan. __________ falls in love with a girl who is completely out of his reach, unless __________ gets superpowers. Then a cool montage scene where __________ perfects these powers, complete with cut shots to _________'s arch nemesis, which turns out to be someone that _________ knows. Insert battle scene, then skip to the end where we leave not a nice tied ending, but just a set up for ________'s next installment.

.... Please feel free to insert Spider-Man, Batman, Ironman, or pretty much any hero into that equation.

I would publish my findings in the next WIRED magazine, however I am not the first to find it.

Unfortunately, I am the scientist in the secret lab that discovers the cure too late. It is already in the hands of the villains- 

(CUE Duh, Duh, DUHHHHHHHHH bad guy music)

Major Motion Picture Executives.

But I am not one to complain without giving some solutions to the problem, ladies and gents.

So here I propose a couple new directions to take with the Super Hero movie trend.

Right after Zack Snyder's Superman Man of Steel- that can stay as cliche as it wants.

1. A WOMAN SUPERHERO, AM I RIGHT?

We've had some rocky starts and stops here on the superhero front, ladiesssssssss.

Let's all try and forget the Hallie Berry Catwoman (but not the suit, we can remember the suit,) or Elektra (but let's forget her suit too.) 

We are always awesome when it comes to creating an ensemble, and let's be honest: Scarlett Johansson's ass was another Avenger all its own in those hot pants-

But where is our Wonder Woman? Huh? Where is the one-woman all inclusive, dark tormented brooding hero?

I love the move to the Dark Hero tones, but somehow women stayed in the supporting sexy character role. 

I'm looking for a Lara Croft up in here. 

Or better yet-

She's the best example of a powerful woman that could kick your ass AND wear a bra.

I'd join ISIS just to be her sidekick.

2. A Hero Who Doesn't Give a Shit.

I found this on a website called
"Depressed Superheros."
The fact that this exists confirms my point.

As much as I like to see Bruce Wyane crying over a destroyed Gotham, or Peter Parker cradling the body of his dead father figure, as some point, I'm like... I have more testosterone than all of the Justice League put together.

Even the Hulk- THE FUCKING HULK dropped the, "I tried to kill myself" bomb in The Avengers.

What? No. Hulk, no. I want to see Hulk smash, not sip cocktails and talk about his feelings to his girlfriends while they paint nails.

If all the male Superheros gathered their tears, they could water a third world country. But they'd probably be too depressed at the state of the people to finish the job.

What I want, is a hero that is going to watch someone die on the street corner, think 2 seconds about helping, but then

realize the Starbucks Coffee in his hand is getting cold.

It keeps the audience in suspense- that breaks the forumla right there! I want a hero that sees the signal in the sky, but is too busy banging the hot intern cleaning lady at his 5 star apartment to help out.

That's not being sadistic- that's just being realistic. In this day and age, any American Superhero would be 30 pounds overweight, glued to his Mac looking up Rotten Tomato scores.

The fact that he's sleeping with someone already makes it a work of fiction.

For example, here's Deadpool's new video game.

They recently said that despite rumors, Marvel would "Not be making a Deadpool movie."

...Cue the hate mail to Stan Lee's mailbox.

3. A Woman Hero that Doesn't Give a Shit.

This is me, as Wonder Woman, NOT GIVING A FUCK.
Instant movie success.

Idea 1 + Idea 2 = TOTAL BADASSERY.

4. Super-Lame Heroes

Aqualad. Nuff said.

Tired of sitting through EPIC battle scene after EPIC battle scene?

Did you sit too close to the screen at The Avengers and then get a massive headache?

Are you a pussy?

Then we have a movie for you!!!!

Where are all the un-sung heroes of lameness? Sure, they suck, and the film might end up being more like an episode of One Tree Hill, but nevertheless,  THEY WERE ONCE IN A COMIC.




And as far as I can tell nowadays, that's pretty much the only qualifier for a Superhero Movie.

Where is the reboot of Arm Fall Off-Boy?

Or Matter Eater Lad?

Now, don't get me wrong- I'd still make it a quality movie. But let's throw the project to, say, a Woody Allen. Or, a Wes Anderson. There's room for really long drawn out pauses and awkward characters with contradicting juxtaposed dialogue in the Superhero genre, is there not?

Here's a Wes Anderson take on Spider-Man. Now insert the Red Bee, and we've got a movie Ladies and Gents.

5. Super- Babies!

Following the long tradition of if things are good, make it cuter, I propose Superbabies.

Now tell me that doesn't belong in every Cute Cat Tumbler?

Now, please tell me why this is not on every Production company's docket.

I don't want to see Superman fighting Lex Luther- I want to see him pulling pranks on the babysitter.

"And Superman fast-forwards time until his parents come home... so that THEY can be the ones to tuck him in."

Every Superhero is also by default an Orphan- and what is better than kids causing mayhem while home alone?


Its like if Macaulay Culkin wore his underwear on the outside, and THEN defeated the Wet Bandits.


I could watch this for hours:

Or this:

Even if My Little Ponies WAS a plot device, I'd still watch it:

These comic strips are by Little League- check out their Facebook for weekly comics!!!

6. Captain Planet.

I have nothing to say about this, I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

7. Dinosaur Heroes

Ok, so here's the pitch.

We take Superheros, and put them in a world of intelligent Dinosaurs. 

The only question I have is, WHY HASN'T THIS ALREADY BEEN DONE?????

The only thing that can combat Velociraptors is Super Strength and Heat Vision, ammmiright????

Or even better- MAKE THE DINOSAURS THE SUPERHEROES.

In my mind, we are on a sliding scale of awesomeness, and Superhero Reboot movies are up there at the top. Right below them? Dinosaurs.

(At first I didn't know what the T-Rex was supposed to be...
then I realized he was Hulk'n up.)

If I'm seriously the only one who has enough balls to make this movie, then so be it.

Coming from my shitty camera to a YouTube near you.

8. Google! 

Because, let's be honest here. 

No one asks Superheroes for help anymore. 

They ask Google. 

So, I say, let's give 'em a movie. 

Tagline- 

This Summer...  

Every boy and girl grows up knowing its name. 

You ask it for help in the most dire situations. 

It's high speed sense is tingling.Faster than a speeding bullet! 

It's Ask! It's Bing! No, it's-

9. Real Life Justice League.

Who do you really think killed Osama?

Here's my cast:

Samuel L Jackson as the stock Black Character

Steve Jobs as the Invisible Boy

Chuck Norris as... Chuck Norris

Nicolas Cage as the Shape Shifter

Michael Phelps as the Aquaman equivalent.
But way less lame.

Christina Hendricks as the Motherfuckin Sexiest Thing Alive.

Bear Grylls as half Human, half Bear

and finally,

10. United Nations- Superheroes

Superhero Costumes = Awesome Flags.

therefore,

Flags = Awesome Superhero Costumes.

Picture this United Nations Meeting-

But with everyone sitting with their underwear on the outside of their suits.

So, I am going to take this to Paramount.

I'm going to make the next Superhero movie, staring a Strong Woman as a kid in Elementary School with a Super-Lame sidekick. They use their special powers of Google Search and their Super-Real People Friends to defeat the United Nation's leader who Doesn't Give a Shit who is trying to conquer the planet with a Dinosaur Army.

Can you say Executive Producer's Wet Dream?

Interviews with your Childhood Heroes

I asked myself, what would my childhood heroes say if I asked them what they thought about life? So then I went and tracked them down. Every so often I will post my findings in my blog.

Here are my first interviews with those Incredible Men.  

And Women. 

And a Hamster. 

The links I've added are for added fun.

Click and Enjoy. 

Sonic the Hedgehog

I found Sonic hanging out by the 5 and Dime's Gumball Machine. He was trying to play cool, but kept checking his phone after every question I asked. 

I caught a glimpse of a text message to Tails, and it was signed,

"Your Stead-Fast Lover."

But regardless of his emotional state, he had this to share with my readers:


"Sometimes life may seem like you're just speeding through a bunch of hoops with an asshole at every corner waiting for you to show up and ruin your day. But by focusing on the small gems in life, you can go to incredible places. Like a good cage lined with newspaper on the bottom. Going to the bathroom on the floor? Paradise."


*Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You can buy your own Chaos Emeralds.
**There would be no evil in the world if everyone had their own toy set of Chaos Emeralds.

Grandpa Phil, from Hey Arnold!

Outside the walls of PS118 is a jungle, and that's exactly where I found old Phil. At his residential boarding house in the town "Nondescript Suburbia" checking the mail, I caught him just before he headed out to the 7-Eleven for his daily Pork-Rrind breakfast.

He looked feeble and frail, but when asked how he dealt with raising an unruly Middle Schooler at his old age, he said:

"You're never too old to start a new adventure. Look at me! I'm 60-what not years old, and I'm running my own business. Though, its a matter of time before I lose my sanity, I guess- WHAT WAS THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT? Holy guacamole, DUCK AND SAVE YOUR LIFE!"

* No one was harmed during this interview. What Grandpa saw was a raincloud.

**Also, I HAD NO IDEA ARNOLD HAD A LAST NAME- WTF????

Samus

Samus was the hardest to track down. Being a female in a male-dominated-video-game world, she has always been a source of inspiration. 
As well as hours and hours of quality time in front of the television screen.

"Women can be powerful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise- take matters into your own hands, and create your own destiny." 

* This was the only picture of Samus I could find where she wasn't drawn half-naked.

** Call me a Space Pirate, but I don't remember these being in the video game at all...

Batman & Ironman

I accidentally ran into these two at a stripper club while trying to track down Wolverine.

The conversation went as follows:

Me: So, first let me just say, it's great to see a DC and a Marvel in the same room, let alone friends. You  guys must have found some common ground to connect on... was it your vision of true justice?

Mr. Stark: Uhh, no, actually we met at a cocktail party.

Mr. Wayne: Yeah, old Eddie here was sporting some pretty hot ass arm candy, so we talked for a while about sleazy chicks we've dumped money onto.

Me: Oh... huh. I guess I pictured your teaming-up a little more heroic in my mind...

Mr. Stark: Listen little lady, why practice heroism when you can buy it?

Mr. Wayne: Write this down for your cute little blog-

"The only thing that will ever buy you happiness is not justice or a city free from crime.

It's a kick ass suit that lets you do swirlies in the air, land onto a rooftop bar into the arms of six women drooling over your utility belt, if you catch my drift."

Me: ... you sure you really want me to quote that?

Mr. Stark: Write it, print it, scream it from the rooftops. It's the truth, kid. Once you get out of college and enter the real world, you'll see that's really what makes the world tick.

By the way, what are you doing after this? Care for a drink?

Space Ghost

I was all prepared for a long journey to find my favorite Superhero/Talk Show Host, expecting him to be saving Earth in some far off Galaxy, or draining a toxic waste dump onto a third Mars to save our Ecosystem.

I ran into him at the local Jewel while getting cereal bars for the trip.

"Dames are like mustard: they taste great on a sandwich. But when you're not eating a sandwich... they just sit there in the fridge... on a shelf... in a jar... labeled... mustard."

Me: Uh, sir, I actually asked you about your career...

"What? Ah yes. Well, let me tell you, If you do anything in life, you should get one of those."

"A career?"

"No. I meant a Sandwich."

* After the interview, he proceeded to direct me to this. I share only because I don't want to have been the only human being on Earth who has seen it. 

Spider-Man

Spiderman could not be coaxed out of his bathroom sized apartment for comment... but from the door crack I heard him say through muddled tears,

"life sucks."

* This photo was printed in the Daily Bugle later that week.

and THIS photo was taken just a few years ago, before Spider-Man 3 ever happened.
Just goes to show you, depression can hit anytime, anywhere after you make a shitty movie.

Hamtaro

I can't speak Hamster, but who could resist a visit to Laura's house when she claims she has talking Hamsters?

 "If I were any more excited, I'd be confused!"

* Sorry for the short quote, but the only thing else he'd talk about was Sunflower seeds.

** Then we watched this video for a couple hours.

Jonny Quest

I figured there was a high chance of running into some high caliber stars at this year's Comic Con. I was hoping to run into C-3PO, but instead found Jonny Quest a little more far-gone than in the following photo.

He seemed to be trying to collect a crowd around him screaming- "I'm Jonny Quest! THE Jonny Quest!!!!"

I would have thought it was just a horribly crazed man had he not been wearing a turtle neck sweater with the phrase, 

"That was a good trick, Jonny!"

"Here's the advice that I give to all of my fans. Oh, here's an autograph for you, I know you were about to ask anyways- so here it is.

1. Turtlenecks are never out of style. Once you think they might be, push on through and wear them anyways. They're also very slimming- that's how I stayed looking so young all these years.

2. You're not racist if you consider them your best friend.

3. If they're laughing at your jokes, then that must mean they're not offended. 

4. So when you think you may have gone too far, push on through and make fun of their ethnicity anyways.

5. Every ethnicity/gender besides white and male is funny.

5. When you walk into a party, that first person you meet is the one guy trying to kill you. 

Guaranteed.

It's always that first  guy you meet.

Especially the first non white male.

and finally,

6. There is no such thing as, 

'That girl is probably too young for me, I shouldn't go for it.'

No. Such. Thing.

Especially if she's not a white male."

* I guess I didn't know what I was expecting with this one...

Who would YOU like to see me interview next?

Post a comment below and I'll be sure to include them next round!

Dating Rules from a Certified Bro-Lady.

1. We don’t care what you look like. 

Peter Parker was scrawny, Hellboy was Red, and Gumby had those weird green bell bottoms, but they still got mad game with them hoes.

Especially Gumby.

2. I like dates as much as the next girl.

And the next girl is an 80 year old lady who can only digest prune juice and dried dates.

She loves ‘em.

3.We don’t like hooking up with guys, but we’ll still do it.

Like an early morning workout.

Except one gives you floods of dopamine and the other plummets your self esteem.

And now I can’t exactly remember which gives you which...

4. Yes, playing with Legos is a date. 

But only if you have the limited edition Indiana Jones set, otherwise forget about it. We'll just eat PB&J's and drink Capri Suns by ourselves, thank you very much.

Hours and Hours of fun. No?

5. The mystical ‘Third Date Rule’ was invented in a guy’s bathroom while a dude was trying to convince himself he’d be laid that night.

It remains a myth, and the guy in question is as far as he’ll ever be from locking that shit down.

This guy must be so embarrassed to be the first one that
comes up on Goggle Images for "Mirror Guy."

6. No bathing suit at the beach will ever go awry

No matter how many times you try to use the Force to move it. NASA’s funding went from Space Material into those suits to keep them in place.

You should blame Obama for that one.

7. We’ll never make the first move.

Not cuz we don’t think we can, or because we’re not confident enough.

We just think its so funny to watch you squirm with nervousness.

8. If a girl drags you to a RomCom, she’s testing you.

She knows you will hate it- she may even hate it-

But by god you are going to suffer through ever one of James Marsden’s lines if you want to move to the next step in the relationship, or she will go Rachel McAdams on your ass and dump you for a Ryan Gosling.

9. But to be honest, she’d dump you for Ryan Gosling no matter what.

10. Whoa! Ralph Fiennes did the voice of the Pharoh in the Prince of Egypt? 

Sorry, background noise tangent.

11. Just because I confess my love for all things Dragon Ball Z, does not mean that you can suddenly dump on me your interest in My Little Ponies.

There is a time and place for everything. And the time and place for that is your grave. After you die.

That's a Bronie if I've ever seen one.

12. The only time I have felt remotely like a Superhero is when I am dating someone.

It has never been easier to read a boy’s mind than when he is trying to court you.

If you think we can read you like a book? You’re wrong.

We’re reading you like a billboard, with bold black font on a stark white background.

13. I don’t do 13- bad luck.

14. Some active dates can be fun!

I'm sorry...
I'm just going to need to post this one
more time to clear that Bronie out of my head.

An 8 mile run in the freezing cold when all you want to do is brag about yourself the whole time, is not one of them.

If you’re the kid that tried to pull this one on me last year, then FUCK YOU, DUDE!!!!

To all the other boys who have taken me on lovely dates, I may have seemed unceremoniously gracious.

But in comparison, you basically took me to the Louvre.

What can I say? I’m damaged goods.

15. We’re always going to fall for the sensitive dudes.

Not in that category? That’s ok! Make something up!

We’ll be too busy falling hard for you to fact check, anyways.

16. Never lie.

We fact check like Sherlock Mother Fucking Holmes.

17. See that? That was a trap.

We set those like Mother Fucking Fox Hunters.

18.  What was so bad about the Frogs? What, they’re wet and annoying, but common Egyptians... I dont think it merited that freak out.

19. I’ll gladly make you a sandwich, I don’t care.

Of a woman making a sandwich that
wasn't offensive to
Sandwiches everywhere.

But I dont really understand where that stereotype came from-

I mean, I know girls making sandwiches came from us living in the kitchen,

but men eating sandwiches all the time?

I know they eat their words when they say something to us they’ll regret,
and they eat my dust when I play sports against them, 

and they eat their hearts out when I walk in the room,

and pretty soon they’ll be eating out of the palms of my hands..

but sandwiches?

 I don’t... I don’t know where that comes from.

20. That same dude in the bathroom told himself that “555” IS a real area code, and that she didn’t just give him a fake #.

And that there really was an emergency with her mom during dinner, and that’s why she had to go.

And the man who looked like Ryan Gosling that drove her away was definitely her driver, and nothing more.

And that sasquach is real, so we shouldn’t mess with him.

21. And Friends, I will end this lesson with a short parable. 

Boy was lonely and needed a best friend.

He saw dog, and called it for his own.

Girl was fine alone and didn’t need a best friend, but was mad that boy had the balls claim something as cool as dog.

Girl picked up diamond, the hardest rock around, and threw it at boy.

And THAT, boys and girls, is how Gumby took Marilyn Monroe’s V Card.

Those are my rules, and not every ladies- and who knows? 
Maybe I’m just setting a giant 21 step trap.

Follow at your own risk!

Your friendly neighborhood blogger,

Maggie Mae Fish