1. We don’t care what you look like.
Peter Parker was scrawny, Hellboy was Red, and Gumby had those weird green bell bottoms, but they still got mad game with them hoes.
Especially Gumby.
2. I like dates as much as the next girl.
And the next girl is an 80 year old lady who can only digest prune juice and dried dates.
She loves ‘em.
3.We don’t like hooking up with guys, but we’ll still do it.
Like an early morning workout.
Except one gives you floods of dopamine and the other plummets your self esteem.
And now I can’t exactly remember which gives you which...
4. Yes, playing with Legos is a date.
But only if you have the limited edition Indiana Jones set, otherwise forget about it. We'll just eat PB&J's and drink Capri Suns by ourselves, thank you very much.
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| Hours and Hours of fun. No? |
5. The mystical ‘Third Date Rule’ was invented in a guy’s bathroom while a dude was trying to convince himself he’d be laid that night.
It remains a myth, and the guy in question is as far as he’ll ever be from locking that shit down.
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| This guy must be so embarrassed to be the first one that comes up on Goggle Images for "Mirror Guy." |
6. No bathing suit at the beach will ever go awry
No matter how many times you try to use the Force to move it. NASA’s funding went from Space Material into those suits to keep them in place.
You should blame Obama for that one.
7. We’ll never make the first move.
Not cuz we don’t think we can, or because we’re not confident enough.
We just think its so funny to watch you squirm with nervousness.
8. If a girl drags you to a RomCom, she’s testing you.
She knows you will hate it- she may even hate it-
But by god you are going to suffer through ever one of James Marsden’s lines if you want to move to the next step in the relationship, or she will go Rachel McAdams on your ass and dump you for a Ryan Gosling.
9. But to be honest, she’d dump you for Ryan Gosling no matter what.
10. Whoa! Ralph Fiennes did the voice of the Pharoh in the Prince of Egypt?
Sorry, background noise tangent.
11. Just because I confess my love for all things Dragon Ball Z, does not mean that you can suddenly dump on me your interest in My Little Ponies.
There is a time and place for everything. And the time and place for that is your grave. After you die.
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| That's a Bronie if I've ever seen one. |
12. The only time I have felt remotely like a Superhero is when I am dating someone.
It has never been easier to read a boy’s mind than when he is trying to court you.
If you think we can read you like a book? You’re wrong.
We’re reading you like a billboard, with bold black font on a stark white background.
13. I don’t do 13- bad luck.
14. Some active dates can be fun!
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| I'm sorry... I'm just going to need to post this one more time to clear that Bronie out of my head. |
If you’re the kid that tried to pull this one on me last year, then FUCK YOU, DUDE!!!!
To all the other boys who have taken me on lovely dates, I may have seemed unceremoniously gracious.
But in comparison, you basically took me to the Louvre.
What can I say? I’m damaged goods.
15. We’re always going to fall for the sensitive dudes.
Not in that category? That’s ok! Make something up!
We’ll be too busy falling hard for you to fact check, anyways.
16. Never lie.
We fact check like Sherlock Mother Fucking Holmes.
17. See that? That was a trap.
We set those like Mother Fucking Fox Hunters.
18. What was so bad about the Frogs? What, they’re wet and annoying, but common Egyptians... I dont think it merited that freak out.
19. I’ll gladly make you a sandwich, I don’t care.
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| Of a woman making a sandwich that wasn't offensive to Sandwiches everywhere. |
But I dont really understand where that stereotype came from-
I mean, I know girls making sandwiches came from us living in the kitchen,
but men eating sandwiches all the time?
I know they eat their words when they say something to us they’ll regret,
and they eat my dust when I play sports against them,
and they eat my dust when I play sports against them,
and they eat their hearts out when I walk in the room,
and pretty soon they’ll be eating out of the palms of my hands..
but sandwiches?
I don’t... I don’t know where that comes from.
I don’t... I don’t know where that comes from.
20. That same dude in the bathroom told himself that “555” IS a real area code, and that she didn’t just give him a fake #.
And that there really was an emergency with her mom during dinner, and that’s why she had to go.
And the man who looked like Ryan Gosling that drove her away was definitely her driver, and nothing more.
And that sasquach is real, so we shouldn’t mess with him.
21. And Friends, I will end this lesson with a short parable.
Boy was lonely and needed a best friend.
He saw dog, and called it for his own.
Girl was fine alone and didn’t need a best friend, but was mad that boy had the balls claim something as cool as dog.
Girl picked up diamond, the hardest rock around, and threw it at boy.
And THAT, boys and girls, is how Gumby took Marilyn Monroe’s V Card.
Those are my rules, and not every ladies- and who knows?
Maybe I’m just setting a giant 21 step trap.
Follow at your own risk!
Your friendly neighborhood blogger,
Mags, I love you.
ReplyDeleteJules, I love you too.
DeleteAnd I know you agree with every single rule.