Everything I learned from re-watching The Hills, so you don't have to

I am proud of how I spend my days.

I work, cook myself dinner, go to the gym, read books on my old high school reading list,
and watch the best of the best shows on television.

The Wire, MadMen, Modern Family...

... anddddd The Hills.

My journey in re-watching Laguna Beach and The Hills began this summer, when I thought to myself,

Why the hell not?

and oh, am I so glad I did.

Because what escaped me about the show when I first watched it in High School was that it was not a drama about rich kids trying to make it through life- but actually an incredibly funny and hilarious scripted comedy, guised as a drama about rich kids trying to make it through life.

Because only the best comedy writers could have come up with the things that come out of these people's mouths.

So, here I give you everything I learned from re-watching the Hills, so you don't have to.

1. Sometimes, only your friends can understand you.

You’re right, Lauren. You are holding too high of standards for yourself.

Not everyone can construct an intelligent sentence that makes sense.

That's why sometimes our friends are really the only ones that understand us.

Because they have the same depleted intelligence.

2. You are your own best advice.

^ In this photo, we see Lauren Conrad in her natural habitat (absent minded) reading her own book, titled

....Lauren Conrad.

about a girl on a reality show!


... named Lauren Conrad.

3. Sometimes you just HAVE to chose your boyfriend over your career!

Come on, if you had to chose between the job of your dreams and ^ this guy, do you really even have a choice?

Lauren has to decide between working fashion week in Paris for a summer or moving in with this dude, and trust me I know what you're thinking-

How come they're not married now with 4 kids and successful careers?

But neither Lauren nor we could have guessed the outcome.

... I guess her boss at Teen Vogue did though-

... but no, yeah, she totally blew it.

4. A lady will always take the high road during an argument.

... Did I say high road? I meant, Drunk Road.

Ok, I'm just fighting a lost battle here- let's ahhh... let's move onto friendship advice.

5. Sometimes, your friends change.

... like Lauren's best friend Heidi!

Sometimes we outgrow each other, we become different people in the petals of life. 

But being a respectable person means learning to love these changes, and embrace people for who they become, and who they keep in their lives.

Surely these two intelligent women can work things out, right?

... another great comeback, Lauren. High School Freshman everywhere salute you.

6. It's ok to be a bit lost in life

That's right. We're ladies, we pretend to have everything- the job, the relationships, the chi latte on the go-

But we're not always on top of things as we look!

Sometimes we get tripped up.

Like when the host of the show asks us our name.

Who has time to remember shit like that???

7. Boys come and go... so just let them go.

... wash, rinse, and repeat.

Every episode.

For 7 seasons.

Even my TiVo chimed in, 

"HE DOESN'T WANT YOU, LAUREN!!!"

8. Fairy Tales really do come true!

RIGHT????

These are intelligent, smart, progressive, young- 

... Robots.

But it goes to show you, EVERYONE can be happy. Everyone has their perfect match, and it just takes a certain level of lowering our standards until we find them!

For example: 

3 months later...

... sometimes true love comes in the form of Satan reincarnate.

9. Career Success is achievable!

Lauren is a career woman- a lady we can all aspire to be.

She landed a dream internship at Teen Vogue her first year of college

worked her way to the top-

and eventually landed every fashion designer's dream!

a fashion line at Kohl's!

The most prestigious multi-purpose store on the market!

She even now uses her fame to bring down the use of printed books-

lowering IQ levels to her own everywhere!

... she just ripped apart my favorite childhood books...

10. Self Esteem is only a click away.

I'm having a horrible day, nothing is going right, the Red Line is delayed, I stepped in some green gum so it stands out even if I try to hide it-

Netflix.

The Hills.

Oh wait, I'm not these people.

My life is suddenly awesome.

and THAT ladies and gents, is what I learned from re watching The Hills.

Smile. 

There are people all over Beverly Hills less fortunate 

(and less brain cells) than us.

Why do we fall down, Master Wayne? or I am my own Tiger Mother, Michael Caine.

Why do we fall down, Master Wayne?

or

I am my own Tiger Mother, Michael Caine.

by Maggie Fish

Michael Caine on a Soap Box.
The first #YOLO.

I’m going to tell you right now that the icing on the cake is 
MY BIKE WAS STOLEN. 

AWESOME.

I know, you’ve all been there. 

But the filling, flavour, and texture of the cake was-

Being ripped off by some employee at a Bike Shop, are too late to attend your Spin Class you signed up for, you've hit a wall with 
your improv rehearsal, leave early for work only 
to find it over-staffed and sent home.

Worst. Cake. Ever.

It was after all this that I took my new $300 dollar bike off its new HEAVY DUTY BIKE LOCK on it’s first and last ride.

I had bought it to replace the one that got stolen- and soon after realized I can’t afford a $300 bike.

So, Maiden and Titanic voyage, commence.

There’s something about doing  an activity so innocent and childlike as a bike ride, that it seems to clear your thoughts. Even more so than my usual runs, because with a bike, if you suddenly decide to slow down, you don’t find yourself hating yourself for it. And as I realized how weird it felt to be simply enjoying a light activity, I had an equal realization.

We are wayyy to hard on ourselves.

Now, I have always been one for give your all no matter what, every inch of you is what the pavement deserves, it’s not fair to your team to hold back (in this sequence, my mind sounds like my high school basketball coach) but there is something that we are never taught.

100% effort never equates to 100% success.

Human beings are wired to fail. We can’t see in more directions than one at a time, we have horrible eyesight, we can’t stop watching LOST after we see one episode, no matter how confused/frustrated we get.

But no one prepares you for failing! Our parents, teachers, coaches... they prepare you to prepare. That’s really what we’re taught. How to properly train yourself to prepare.

I would spend hours a day shooting hoops, hoping that when the time came in that final quarter of the regional final, I would be able to make that three-pointer.

But my coach never pulled me aside to tell me, “But just in case you don’t make it, you should walk off the court anyways with your head held hight...”

Maybe in the back of their heads, they think it, but they never say it out loud.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we fall. 

Not because we cannot see in two directions or because we can’t see at all or because we’re on season 4 and still can’t answer a single question.

It is because the best teachers in life know that it is no use to tell someone how to recover when they slip up- that is something only we can learn from doing it ourselves.

So friends, fail. Fail hard. Fail miserably, and be proud to do so.

Because no matter how bad you have it at that moment right when you trip up, there are millions of other people on this planet who are feeling the exact same way you are. Who are themselves trying to find the pieces to put back together what they call  back to “normal”, who are all asking themselves why they were never taught how to come back from this.

We have to stop trying to be perfect all the time, because we’re not. The more we act like students, open to learning and relearning and willing to try anything, the less we will see ourselves as failures, and more just people “under construction.”

So, my bike ride ended, and I locked it up with a heavy duty bike lock.

And I thought to myself, “If my bike had never gotten stolen, I would have never have known that I needed a HEAVY DUTY bike lock.”

And that is why we fail, Master Wayne. 

So we can learn to pick ourselves back up, 

 ...and buy the right fucking bike lock.

Michael Caine would be proud of us...