So you have someone on the horizon you've had your eye on.
And you've gone on a couple dates.
But now you have to make that horrible decision if this person is someone worth being in the same sentence with during an introduction.
So first, let's take a couple quick checkeroos to make sure this person is someone worth taking that risky step with.
Remember to Ask Yourself:
1. Are you at all related?
2. Do they look drastically different than her online profile picture?
3. Or exactly the same as their Profile Picture?
4. Do they wear these but aren't a doctor?
5. Are the any other profession besides a doctor?
6. Do they believe in ghosts?
7. Related, are you absolutely certain that you are seeing a real person, and not just a figment of your over-stimulated imagination caused by excessive loneliness and late night binges on Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream, cemented by the text you think you received from someone special in the middle of the night, but turn on your phone to find out it's just your mother asking if that friend in your facebook picture is your significant other only to realize she's asking about the cardboard cutout of Harry Potter you still keep against your wall that you took a photo with a week ago?
No? Ok well lucky you!
Now the moment you've been reading for, the official Pros and Cons list of being single vs being in a relationship.
Pro: No more alone time at night!
No more blogging or twittering live Game of Thrones updates on Sunday Nights. Now you have someone to sit by your side and watch with! This may seem like a Con to some, but the love and compassion you feel for this person will be worth exactly the same as 3 Favorites, or 1 Retweet.
Con: No more alone time at night.
You won't be able to get through an episode without them asking "was that the little person from 'Elf'? or mispronouncing names that you also can't pronounce, but you know better than to say them out loud.
Cuz you wanna watch this on Saturday mornings:
andddddddd they want to watch this:
And don't even get me started on who gets to hold the remote control.
Countries have gone to war for less.
Pro: You have someone to share your triumphs in life with!
You got a job promotion, great! Now you have someone other than your mother to text about it! And you'll probably get a cute emoticon in return. And maybe a high five when you get home. Then you get at least 30 minutes of solid bragging time before she suggests you call your mother because she's secretly sick of hearing you talk about it.
Con: You suddenly have to start pretending you care about other things someone else is doing
Oh wow. She got a promotion. That's great honey, I'm going to proceed to hang myself out this window while you sit there and talk more about how you've worked so hard to get it. Or, better yet, why not just call your mother? She'd love to hear about it.
Pro: You could have kids with this person!
Raising kids is the ultimate sacrifice, and one of the greatest things you can do as a human being.
Con: ... you could have kids with this person
Kids are devil aliens who eat souls and prey on dreams.
Pro: You have someone to hang out with at parties!
Goodbye awkward small talk!
Goodbye having to down three drinks before you enter into a conversation!
And goodbye pretending to text on your phone so you don't have to talk to your Ex who is heading straight towards you with that look in his eye like "I know you said it was over, but I"m here to try and convince you otherwise in my cut of gym tee and jorts."
Con: You always end up leaving early, and you can't eat whatever the fuck you want when you get home.
Because that's the best part of being drunk.
You know it, I know it, the American people (certainly) know it.
Pro: You'll save money!
Groupons!
2-1 Dinners!
Shared Netflix and Hulu accounts!
Con: ...while going completely broke.
... while they suck you dry of every birthday money your dead grandmother has ever given you.
And yes, they will use your Netflix password for a lifetime.
Pro: You'll have someone to go on adventures with!
Finally!
Someone to go to the Shed Aquarium to look at the Jelly Fish with!
Cuz its a little to embarrassing to go by yourself.
or like a Matchbox 20 concert.
No way in hell are your bros going with you to that one.
Now you can use her as an excuse!
Con: You'll end up going on a lot of adventures you'd never have picked in a million years.
For every 'adventure' you drag her on, she will enact revenge on you fit for only those in the deepest circles of hell.
Shopping at Forever 21.
Say hello to Hitler for me, I'm sure he'll be wandering around the 3rd floor hair accessory table.
Pro: You dont have to go out to have fun!
Because why buy a drink in a tiny glass with too many ice cubes when you can chug it from the on sale Jewel Osco bottle?
You can even chug it while not leaving the couch!
Or while you write your blog!
... hold on I need a refill...
Con: You'll never leave your/their place again.
... yes now my glass is full of alcohol, but no, I don't remember what the sun looks like.
Pro: Someone to talk about your feelings with.
Feelings!
Put down that Dashboard Confessional record (or just turn the volume down a bit) because now you have someone to talk about your inner most secrets!
Think of all the paper you will save from not writing shitty poetry and lyrics to a song you'll never be able to write a melody for!
Con: ... you have to listen to someone talk about their feelings.
... is there anything worse in the universe than to hear someone talk about their feelings?
My roommate sitting next to me reading over my shoulder is arguing that Genocide, forced religion, and unjust war are worse...
But I'm still saying sympathy is up there.
Right after Genocide.
Pro: Solid support system!
Look at that couple! So in love!
So Pink!
Con: You can't leave them without feeling like a douche.
They always complain that you never share what you're thinking, and the moment you tell them you're suddenly a dick for 'wanting to see other people.'
Feelings are attached.
Friends pick sides.
... tell me this is not second worst to genocide.
Pro: You dont have to get drunk to be happy anymore!
Because as a single man/lady, that is our bread and water.
Alcohol is our sunshine.
We put it in cute glasses or infuse it in our jello, call it classy, and drink our way to oblivion and random hookups to fill that hole in our hearts.
It's a blast!
Con: Sooner or later, you'll have to be drunk to be happy with one another.
Fact.
No matter how much you love that kid you're with, there will be a point in the relationship where an injection of vodka every hour on the hour is the only prescription to save the relationship.
Pro: You could end up getting married!
Every person's fantasy.
(Or so society tells us.)
Con: You could end up setting each other on fire.
Pro: You could have kids with this person!
Raising kids is the ultimate sacrifice, and one of the greatest things you can do as a human being.
Con: ... you could have kids with this person
Pro: You have someone to hang out with at parties!
Goodbye awkward small talk!
Goodbye having to down three drinks before you enter into a conversation!
And goodbye pretending to text on your phone so you don't have to talk to your Ex who is heading straight towards you with that look in his eye like "I know you said it was over, but I"m here to try and convince you otherwise in my cut of gym tee and jorts."
Con: You always end up leaving early, and you can't eat whatever the fuck you want when you get home.
Pro: You'll save money!
Con: ...while going completely broke.
... while they suck you dry of every birthday money your dead grandmother has ever given you.
And yes, they will use your Netflix password for a lifetime.
Pro: You'll have someone to go on adventures with!
Finally!
Someone to go to the Shed Aquarium to look at the Jelly Fish with!
Cuz its a little to embarrassing to go by yourself.
or like a Matchbox 20 concert.
No way in hell are your bros going with you to that one.
Now you can use her as an excuse!
Con: You'll end up going on a lot of adventures you'd never have picked in a million years.
Pro: You dont have to go out to have fun!
Con: You'll never leave your/their place again.
Pro: Someone to talk about your feelings with.
Con: ... you have to listen to someone talk about their feelings.
Pro: Solid support system!
Look at that couple! So in love!
So Pink!
Con: You can't leave them without feeling like a douche.
Feelings are attached.
Friends pick sides.
... tell me this is not second worst to genocide.
Pro: You dont have to get drunk to be happy anymore!
Because as a single man/lady, that is our bread and water.
Alcohol is our sunshine.
We put it in cute glasses or infuse it in our jello, call it classy, and drink our way to oblivion and random hookups to fill that hole in our hearts.
It's a blast!
Con: Sooner or later, you'll have to be drunk to be happy with one another.
Pro: You could end up getting married!
Con: You could end up setting each other on fire.
This one could be much more likely.
(Especially if you marry a Fire Pokemon, or Mewtwo. He's a bastard.)
So really, who's to know whether a relationship is right?
Is it the right time?
Is this the right person?
Am I absolutely sure I am not related to this person?
I think the great Lemony Snicket said it best.
"If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives."
So go ahead. Take advice from the loneliest man in literature. You only live once, right?
Watch a marathon of Dragonball Z, pick up some flame resistant curtains, and take that figment of you imagination out on an adventure!
