You, like many of us part of a society, pride yourself on being one of the 'good guys.'
If you were a House from Game of Thrones, you'd of course be a Stark.
You'd pass that 'One Ring Power Trip Test' with flying colors.
And at Hogwarts, you'd be one of the first members of the DA.
But as we all know, every great hero has a little dark in them:
Spider-Man like, quit once:
(and wore his hair like this once:)
Dark Vader sure didn't start out choking people:
And no one could ever forget that time Harry Potter went through a teenage girl's puberty:
And lately, you've been thinkin, maybe there's more to life than white bread and brushing your teeth 3 times a day.
That Robin Thicke song's got you swinging your hips when you think no one is watching.
And after the 4th time in a month you've been friend-zoned-
it's time to learn
HOW TO GET DOWN WITH YOUR BAD SELF.
With three levels of badassery, you can ease your way into the dark side.
Level 1: The Eggman
Traits:
Slightly Annoying
A little selfish
Bad Babysitter
Tactics:
Banana Peel Slip
It's slightly annoying, and it makes your friends look like fools.
Don't say 'god bless you' when someone sneezes.
Just sit and stare.
Sit and stare right into their eyes.
The look on their face will be priceless-
Like a father forgetting about their birthday.
Steal those socks from the shoe store.
Cuz, like, how do you try on shoes without them?
HOW I ASK YOU
Don't replace your toilet paper.
MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sigh really loudly when someone asks, "Hey, can I ask you a question?"
Show the world how many fucks you give about their life.
Eliminate friends.
You're well on your way to becoming evil, my young Padawan.
Level 2: The Vegeta
Traits:
Now that you know the basic toolbox of that bad person inside of us all, you can now take your douchery to another level. Level Vegeta starts to incorporate everyday 'bad' things into your very personality. So go buy some hair gel, and hold on to your seats.Tactics:
Play Dashboard Confessional songs really loudly into your courtyard.
And maybe moan loudly here and there so everyone is privy to your tortured soul.
Spike your hair.
Self explanatory.
Read David Foster Wallace.
No matter what your intentions, good or ill, you look like an ASSHOLE when you're reading this 1million page book on the L.
Wear Sperry Boat Shoes, whether or not you are actually in a boat.
*You may need to purchase a back up pair of Sperry's for when Bud Light gets poured on them by other people.
Write poetry in a coffee shop.
And refuse to make eye contact with the ladies.
Trust me, they'll be hoping you're pumping out a sonnet for them.
Trust me, they'll be hoping you're pumping out a sonnet for them.
... but you're NOT!
Level 3: Dr. Doom
Traits:
You drink with the devil and Jonas Brother Groupies on the weekends.
Tactics:
Kill off an entire race of peoples.
Yes. Yes you hearD me.
What are you, scared?
You stole socks from the shoe store.
You're ready for this.
Pilage a Village.
What? No. Don't give me that look.
You're going to find a remote village, and tear apart everything they hold dear.
Have at it.
Hide in a cave, devoting your life to finding your hero'e weakness, then use it to destroy him.
YES REALLY, CHANDLER!
You don't need food, you don't need money, you just need that driving sense of vengeance to fuel you.
And maybe a slave or two from that village you pillaged.
Create an army of clones and wage war on the rest of the free world.
Ummmmmm.... Yes.
I'll give you a little lee-way-
It doesn't have to be on THIS planet.
But nevertheless you're doing this and I don't want to discus it anymore.
and finally, the Badest thing you can do.
it goes against our very natures.
few have made it to this level of badassery-
The Prestige:
Play only 'Miley Cyrus' and 'Selena Gomez' songs at your party.
I know, I know.
It is not for the faint of heart.
If you have to spend the rest of your life working through the last stages of the Dr. Doom, I will understand.
And it will have been a life well spent.
So please, take it one step at a time, and ease your way into the Dark Side.
And if you see a fellow bad-y walking around with a box of socks or scribbling poetry in a cafe, smile and nod.
For they too, are fighting the good fight.
So go ahead, get down with your Bad Self.
And remember, even the most evil of villains once started out as an Eggman.
Don't be discouraged.
Don't give up.
And one day, you too, could be a Dr. Doom reading David Foster Wallace rockin' those Sperry's.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger,
Maggie Mae Fish
