So you're a civilian in a town.
Hey, congratulations!
I'm sure you're getting along just swell, upholding a mediocre job, living with a wife that you love (*sigh* BORING) and forgetting every dream you've ever had for a better life than your father gave you.
BUT THEN SUDDENLY THERE'S A CRASH AT YOUR WINDOW AND BAM!
It's not your kid's softball, it's a giant tail slapping the water out of your pool in one swoop.
Congrats. You've made it to the big leagues.
Just moments ago, you were an extra on a film that ran out of complimentary donut holes, but now you're
practically Hugh Jackman's stand in.
Light the lights baby,
YOU'RE READY FOR YOUR CLOSE UP!
... but small detail, you have to survive to AT LEAST the sequel to see any residuals from your sudden onrush of fame.
Luckily for you, I've compiled the
Ultimate Handyguide to Saving Yourself from a Alien/Robot/Godzilla Attack!
What to do in case of:
Robots
Try: Water!
Just like your momma told ya- water and electricity don't mix, kiddo.
Love.
Nuts and bolts fit together like... uhhh, Nuts and bolts.
Try love one more time just cuz-
Robot love never rusts.
Space.
No sure what to do with your invading Robots?
Stick 'em out in space!
There are many communities where they'll get the chance to mingle with other robots, learn special skills, and maybe even go on a quest.
What to do in case of:
Aliens
Try: Politics!
Um... emphasis on try.
Muppets.
When this franchise didn't know what to do with one of their own, they chose to make him an alien!
Desperation begets results, as producers of 'Muppets in Space' will surely tell you.
Put a stick up his butt and viola!
A brand new puppet star.
Desperation begets results, as producers of 'Muppets in Space' will surely tell you.
Put a stick up his butt and viola!
A brand new puppet star.
Local Cuisine!
Food is the greatest of all equalizers.
Superman.
Superman is himself an alien, so who better to defeat a group of other-worlders?
^That sounds exactly like Zach Snyder's Superman pitch.
... wait on second thought I'd rather just let the alien kill me.
^That sounds exactly like Zach Snyder's Superman pitch.
... wait on second thought I'd rather just let the alien kill me.
What to do in case of:
Giant Monsters from Another Dimension from the Water!
Run before your brother gets killed.
What to do in case of:
BigFoot
Offer snacks.
FOOD IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER! And that's probably why he's sniffing around your camp anyways.
Offer your best friend as a snack.
Cuz friendship only goes until death anyways, right?
Make room for him in your campfire song lineup.
Sasquatches are notoriously good at carrying tunes and harmonizing Neil Young songs.
Let him join the boyscouts already, GOD, stop the hate.
He'd beat Smokey the Bear in a fight any time, any day.
What to do in case of:
Sister Lake Monster
Call my grandpa.
Cuz apparently the cops told him ^THIS was not enough "proof" and "stop dialing 911 every time you see a wave."
What to do in case of:
Vampires
Try: Having sex with it.
Cuz come on, gotta do it for the story.
See if it will take cornstarch and red food coloring!
(They just drink it for the mystique anyways)
Garlic!
... I don't want to be racist, but it's worth a shot.
What to do in case of:
Zombies
Try: Offering an over the counter sleep aid.
But not if its after 2am- that will just entirely screw up his morning routine.
Warm milk and homemade cookies!
Cuz if I was a ghost, that's probably why I came back anyways. For some good old gooey chocolate cookies.
A STAKE THROUGH THEIR HEART!!!!!
Classics are classics for a reason, kids.
And if cookies don't turn a soul, then the only option left is death.
What to do in case of:
Slow Delivery Service
Try: A Passive Aggressive callback
You get about one or two of these before they call the cops.
But just remember- smile through your teeth as you ask where the hell your pizza is!
You get about one or two of these before they call the cops.
But just remember- smile through your teeth as you ask where the hell your pizza is!
Gum for a tip.
Cuz at this point, you've given up hopes on keeping your soul after death anyways.
Might as well go the Full Monty.
Patience (last ditch effort.)
I mean, I'm not that strong of a person, but some people out there could wait 40-45 minutes for their meal handed to them from their front door.
But we can't all be superheroes.
What to do in case of:
Ghosts
Try: Holding a seance!
ooo!
Bring popcorn, and stuff.
Dress like its the 40s!
The ghost would be super confused, but there's about a .4% chance that party could turn into an orgy!
....(much like any party...)
Bring popcorn, and stuff.
Dress like its the 40s!
The ghost would be super confused, but there's about a .4% chance that party could turn into an orgy!
....(much like any party...)
Chanting in a made up language.
Boo ba de boo ba!
Maybe they'll get offended, but maybe you'll make a new friend.
Boo ba de boo ba!
Maybe they'll get offended, but maybe you'll make a new friend.
Playing the game 20 questions to find out what their favorite animal is!
Cuz no one in the real world ever wants to play this game, you gotta take any chance you get!
Cuz no one in the real world ever wants to play this game, you gotta take any chance you get!
Just going back to bed.
Cuz you can only give so many fucks in the middle of the night.
What to do in case of:
Fairy
THERE IS NO CHANCE FOR ESCAPE-
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
LEAVE YOUR KIDS IN THE CAR, AND JUST SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!
What to do in case of:
Dragons
Buy a saddle, and call Charlie Weasley.
So, thanks for stopping by and reading up on life saving skills!
I'll be selling printed copies out of the back of my Mystery Machine.
Call my groovy pager, ZOINKES!!!
Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger,
Maggie Mae Fish
I'll be selling printed copies out of the back of my Mystery Machine.
Call my groovy pager, ZOINKES!!!
Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger,
Maggie Mae Fish
